Pope Benedict
PAID ADVERTISEMENT HURRY! BVM Sponsorship Opportunities ACT NOW! Pope Benedict XVI, born Joey Ratz (or as little kids like to call him, "Joseph Rap Singer") is the head of the Roman Catholic Church. He is also the most fashionable pope, with style that looks to be inspired by the psychedelic art films of Alejandro Jodorowsky. He succeeded Pope John Paul II after that sainted man was ascended to heaven by a grateful God and the Blessed Virgin Mary. (It is believed that Mary was trying to get back at Rush Limbaugh, a Protestant, for making fun of the way John Paul said mass at the Vatican Christmas show.) Tried to stop WWII Ratzy was born in a seedy German motel called the River Inn. It's not known exactly why his mother was there at the time. He quickly grew from his humble beginnings to become a forthright and upstanding young man. When he saw what was happening in his country in the 1930's young Ratzy realized that he had to step up to the plate and do something about it. Even then, he realized that he'd have his best chance to change the world by working from the inside as an important functionary. He therefore joined a Hitler Youth brigade where his diligence and intelligence was noted by his commandants. But young Ratzy was looking for something more than the many commendations and awards that he got from his superiors. He joined the Nazi Party so that he could change it from within. The cardinal later recalled those days for L'Osservatore Romano, the Vatican's daily English-language newspaper. "I was deeply concerned that the Party and Our Leader did not show proper concern about the danger of onanist marriage," the future pope remembered. "I knew I had to do something about that. There were disgusting clubs for homosexuals all over Berlin. These onanist activists were already trying to change the definition of the Holy Sacrament of Marriage." The cardinal said that he worked diligently within the Party apparatus to bring this vital issue to the forefront, but expressed deep regret that his warnings were ignored. "That unfortunate war would probably not have happened if we had only been able to stop those filthy onanists," Ratzinger concluded with a sigh. Post-War career After the War, Ratzy joined a seminary to study for the priesthood. "It was the same kind of camaraderie as Hitler Youth," Ratzinger remembered years later. "I felt right at home." He devoted himself to study, with special attention to The Crusades and to the writings of Tomás de Torquemada and other heros of the Spanish Inquisition. "They did it right, back then," Ratzinger told his L'Osservatore interviewer. "Maybe I could have done more in the '30s if I had known more about the Inquisition." Ratzinger shot upwards in the Church hierarchy even while he pursued his studies. His upward trajectory was derailed only briefly during the liberal papacy of John XXIII. It would sky-rocket when John-Paul II (John-Paul I? Who's that? Never happened.) was anointed. Ratzy was invited to Rome by John-Paul II to become The Enforcer (officially called Prefect for the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith) where his expertise on the Crusades and Inquisition was put to superb use. While the charismatic John-Paul made nice for the cameras and for the children, Ratzy stepped in with an iron fist to quell any hint of dissidence (aka liberalism or talk of "justice") within the Church. Becoming Pope Ratzy also got himself appointed head of the College of Cardinals which isn't really a college at all but just what they call their Board of Directors. It's like being the COB (Chairman of the Board). That so-called college elects a new pope after the previous one dies. They do it by getting together in a smokey room and waiting until almost everyone faints from smoke inhalation. The last one standing is declared Pope-For-Life or CEO. As Chairman, Ratzy got to hog all the TV time during the endless live broadcasts after John-Paul's ascension. He insisted, however, that he wasn't looking to become pope. "Who me?" he is reported to have said to an American cardinal. "No! I wouldn't think of it. Doncha' think we should pick one of those young, virile, vibrant, manly Kneee-Grow cardinals from Africa?" But Ratzy's job as Chairman required him to leave the smokey room where the other Cardinals were waiting to see who would be the last to faint. To the shock and surprise of nearly everyone, the elderly Ratzinger emerged as the last Cardinal standing and therefore became pope after they let the smoke out of the room through a chimney in the ceiling. Attempted Excommunication Of Stephen Colbert Ratzy tried to have Stephen Colbert excommunicated just because Stephen called him a Nazi Pope. Loves The Children After he had became Pope Benedict, some still criticized Ratzy because -- or so they claimed -- the new pope isn't nearly as warm, fuzzy, and nice as his sainted predecessor. But Benedict acted quickly to demonstrate that his detractors were mistaken about that. He discovered that the children enjoy catching brightly lit objects floating down onto Vatican Square from his fourth-story windows. Benedict now takes every opportunity when he's at home in Rome to entertain the children. He started out by throwing candles down from his window, but noticed that the children were often disappointed when the flames would burn out while falling. He now throws "sparklers," an American concoction, that are made to stay lit no matter how far they fall. Benedict loves to watch the delight on the faces of the children and their parents as the young ones scramble in the square below him trying to retrieve the blessed sparkling objects. Factoids * Played mailman Cliff Clavin on NBC's Cheers